I "finally" got my ditches running last night and had high hopes this morning to find a well watered field after 12 hours of constant irrigation. Alas, it is a little better than before but nothing like it needs to be. There is no way we can keep 5 steers on our property this year. I am certain now that my collaborative advisors have been over optimistic. As was I. But out there trying to fence it in yesterday..........we can only fence in less than an acre that is green enough to support an animal. The pasture that is dead, I am certain will not come to life until next spring. It is too hot, and the air sucks the water right out of the earth. I will continue to try this year, but I am not counting on it to support animals. If we had started out in early spring it would be a different story and that is what we need to do next spring. Not to mention buying baby steers at a better price when they are smaller. Maybe we should completely change what we are even working on this year and focus on the orchard and perimeter fence instead? Or else focus on the chickens? I can't really pasture feed them..........well maybe I could. Much to think about. And a boat load of discouragement. I am grateful to Lisa for being out there with me and working on it. I wish there was more to show for all our effort.
So maybe one steer this year. I guess we should've just stuck with the small plan in the first place instead of getting all excited about the possibilities. Adri is extremely discouraged about the whole thing. She is so afraid of failure. My kids don't have faith in my ideas and it seems that they are right. They used to be my greatest cheerleaders, but after living with me for a few years I guess they see that my optimism leads to a lot of failure and I embarrass them. I was in tears again yesterday, feeling rejected by the children who used to love and support me. I don't want their help if it is offered grudgingly and with a little venom on the side to punish me for asking. So yesterday two of them left to go play outside in the heat of the day rather than be around me, and one of them stayed and helped to clean up but eventually joined the other two. I was left to myself plus a toddler to pester me with constant questions and a baby to feed. Feeling so discouraged and helpless. I'm out of energy or desire to force my children to do what needs to be done so I keep ending up doing it myself. I ask, they say no, I don't fight. I am tired of fighting. I shouldn't have to be fighting. Not them anyway. It should be us against the housework, not us against each other!
And then a miracle happened. In the middle of my little cry a friend came to visit. She brought her husband and her two little boys and offered to help us with the fence! They were tremendously helpful and made it so I didn't just give up. They were able to prevent us from putting our posts in the wrong direction and he put them all in for me. We got the irrigation flowing better and then the mosquitoes came out and it was time to call it quits. A shower last night felt so good. I was hot, sticky, sweaty, bug bitten, and dirty.
I think what our family lacks right now is a shared vision. For years I've been trying to carry the vision department myself because no one else wanted to be involved, but now no one buys into my vision. Consequently they feel disconnected and un-obligated to work towards the vision. So that is going to be my focus today and probably for the rest of this week. After we have vision we can move onto our family's mission and then work on family rules and work distribution. But the vision has to come first. Other wise the kids are just gonna be like Laman and Lemuel where the older they get the more murmuring they do. I am all ready tired of feeling thwarted by my children and the oldest isn't technically a teenager yet!
I am going to a therapy appointment today. I hope it goes well for me. I would really like to make some progress in the happiness department. I keep sinking into despair. I miss John. The kids miss him too.
So maybe one steer this year. I guess we should've just stuck with the small plan in the first place instead of getting all excited about the possibilities. Adri is extremely discouraged about the whole thing. She is so afraid of failure. My kids don't have faith in my ideas and it seems that they are right. They used to be my greatest cheerleaders, but after living with me for a few years I guess they see that my optimism leads to a lot of failure and I embarrass them. I was in tears again yesterday, feeling rejected by the children who used to love and support me. I don't want their help if it is offered grudgingly and with a little venom on the side to punish me for asking. So yesterday two of them left to go play outside in the heat of the day rather than be around me, and one of them stayed and helped to clean up but eventually joined the other two. I was left to myself plus a toddler to pester me with constant questions and a baby to feed. Feeling so discouraged and helpless. I'm out of energy or desire to force my children to do what needs to be done so I keep ending up doing it myself. I ask, they say no, I don't fight. I am tired of fighting. I shouldn't have to be fighting. Not them anyway. It should be us against the housework, not us against each other!
And then a miracle happened. In the middle of my little cry a friend came to visit. She brought her husband and her two little boys and offered to help us with the fence! They were tremendously helpful and made it so I didn't just give up. They were able to prevent us from putting our posts in the wrong direction and he put them all in for me. We got the irrigation flowing better and then the mosquitoes came out and it was time to call it quits. A shower last night felt so good. I was hot, sticky, sweaty, bug bitten, and dirty.
I think what our family lacks right now is a shared vision. For years I've been trying to carry the vision department myself because no one else wanted to be involved, but now no one buys into my vision. Consequently they feel disconnected and un-obligated to work towards the vision. So that is going to be my focus today and probably for the rest of this week. After we have vision we can move onto our family's mission and then work on family rules and work distribution. But the vision has to come first. Other wise the kids are just gonna be like Laman and Lemuel where the older they get the more murmuring they do. I am all ready tired of feeling thwarted by my children and the oldest isn't technically a teenager yet!
I am going to a therapy appointment today. I hope it goes well for me. I would really like to make some progress in the happiness department. I keep sinking into despair. I miss John. The kids miss him too.
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