Introspection

Last night we had a great book club discussion about the book "In His Steps" which is all about really asking yourself the question "What would Jesus do if he were in my shoes?" One of the things I came away with for me personally, was a realization that I am very judgmental towards myself. I try to be extremely lenient and tolerant with others, but I seem to feel a need to punish myself somehow. One of our members mentioned the idea of "self flagellation," and other extreme things people do to try and "atone" for their own sins. As soon as that image entered my head I realized that's what I must be doing when I enter into negative self talk. At some level I'm trying to compensate for my weaknesses, for the things I know are wrong with me, by beating on myself for it emotionally. It brings to mind the words of my Grandma June who, upon hearing my self recrimination would say, "Be kind to yourself." I can't help but think that maybe when I learn to "be kind to myself" that I will find it even easier to be kind to others; especially my children. One of the bad habits I picked up as a kid was "being perfect." I did my chores so very well and then held all my younger siblings to that same standard. I would inspect their chores and tell them what needed to be done still and I could always tell them in full honesty that I wasn't asking anything more of them than I was asking of myself. I lived to an incredibly high standard in some areas of my life and thought that this justified my expectations and/or judgment of others. After all, I was "without sin" so I was in a position to judge, right?! How much of these old habits am I still living in now? I think I need to look at myself (and consequently others) in a whole new light. What if God looks on me/us as a child who he loves and truly wants to succeed? What if when I mess up, he doesn't withdraw or look away in sorrow, but sends me a sustaining light to cling to if only I will keep reaching out. When I feel disconnected from God, what if that is me turning away from him in shame. What if he longs for me to let go of the shame and simply offer myself in all my imperfection to his son, Jesus Christ, who made it possible for all that to be erased and for true, lasting change to take place in my soul? What if I'm still trying to do it by myself? There must be an image for this concept. I'll have to think on it some more. I have a talk in church to give tomorrow. All this thinking "out loud" on paper is helping me firm up some more ideas for it. Blessings, Anna