Really I have

I have been writing more lately, really I have. It just isn't always on my blog. I've been meaning to get on here for a couple days now to express my gratitude lately. I am so grateful for my life. I feel so spoiled and coddled. I have experience hard things, but never really alone. And when I don't write very often, I think it is because I have such a wonderful husband to listen to me. He listens so well that I get it all out of my system, the good and the bad, and then I am stable again and satisfied that I have been heard.

Carpal Tunnel pain is getting to me lately. I've been pushing my luck and paying for it. I need to work up the will to pay ou $60 a month for a good therapist to do some body work on me. I need it so desperately. But it is hard to set aside money for myself when I am trying to skimp and save in every other arena. I have developed a lifestyle this year, just like I hoped and planned to do, of exercise, healthy word of wisdom eating (not perfect but a LOT better!) and weight loss. I had hoped to lose more weight than this, but I am becoming satisfied with what I see in the mirror and I recognize that if this is what my body says is healthy for me, that is what is important. I don't need to look like a supermodel. John is satisfied anyway so how can I complain?

John............he tells me he checks in here regularly to see what I've written but I'm going to do my best to pretend that I don't know that so I still free to write ABOUT him. :) Except perhaps in marvelous children, no where in my life as I am so blessed as I am in my husband. He is my soul mate and eternal partner in everything. It is my great desire to be as good for him as he is for me. Everything I do for him is appreciated and encouraged. He is sensitive to my needs and our differences. He honors me as a woman, as a wife, as a mother. I don't always deserve his kindness, but he gives it anyway. It is such a pleasure to care for a husband as good to me as John is. Our marriage has not always been so blissful and no doubt will go through more difficult times in the future, but I think we are strong together now in a way we were not in the past. We have lived and grown up together in the Lord. It would be the most devastating thing for one of us to die and have to start over. We pity any new spouses in the family for having to live up to expectation in such a situation.

I am also blessed in educational opportunities (by which I don't mean traditional institutions). I am always learning and growing and I thrive on it. I get to meet with some of the most amazing women every week, where we discuss what we loved and hated about the book we read and how it has or is going to change our lives. I walk away feeling so honored that I get to be in the same room as these women, and so grieved that everyone cannot experience what I am experiencing. Anyone reading this who would like to attend with me- we hold class on Thursdays at 1:20-3:00 in Windsor at the Cornerstone Baptist Church.

And then there are my beloved children. Each one is unique and amazing to me. I am biased as a mother of course, but it's a two edged sword to be sure. I see all that is the worst in them to, and sometimes I shudder! But I think their good far outweighs their bad, and I am honored to be their mother. I hope I do as good a job as they thought I would when they chose me. They are talented, insightful, wise beyond their years. They are loving, affectionate and charitable towards others. They are willing to share me with more children in our family. They want adoption to happen for us as much as I do. They share our dreams of a big family and service our church, our nation and the world. At least I think they do.......... Cyndi may be a little young yet.

Yesterday Cyndi was so cute about her name. She came into the room where I was reading and said with glee "My brother called me Cyndi!" Then later "My sister called my Cyndi!" I didn't know this was an issue. Maybe they were still calling her Cynthia. I don't know. But it was very special for her last night that they call her by her new name. She is so proud of her name and her new self now that she is potty trained and three years old. Her hair is still blond and its getting longer. She loves to have me put it in double French braids. She sings little songs to herself, sometimes while playing the piano. She is fearless and self confident. Just a little bashful around strangers at first. She is very attached to me. But she is OK with my being gone for a day. Other times when I go to so much as take the garbage out to the curb, upon my return she says "Mom! You're back! I miss you!" and gives me a big hug. She's irresistable. And my favorite thing that she does lately? She says "I think not!" I can't get over that. It makes me grin and giggle to hear my three year old use such lovely grammar.

Benjamin and Adri have been very tight lately. They always sleep together now. They switch back and forth on whose bedroom to camp in that night and lay out blankets on the floor or make tents with the bunk beds. Cynthia tags along of course. Adri and Ben do everything together lately. Instead of fighting being my biggest problem with the children, it's their dual focus on something other than what I want that is the problem. They are always busy working on a project or playing a game or creating a new tent and it's hard to break them away and get them to do chores. I've decided that this is the right kind of problem to have so I do my best not to get overly upset.

It seems like fall is usually a good time for us. It's like a beautiful honeymoon every Autumn where the family is so happy and gets along so beautifully. It has me a little worried about what winter or spring might bring. But I can only hope for happiness. No doubt morning sickness will at some point alter our lives considerably, but for now we are happy.

I've been reading the Twilight series, perhaps against my better judgment. It's not like me to indulge in a romance novel, least of all a book with vampires in it. And I've hated some of it and loved other parts and it's lead to an interesting re-analysis of mine and John's dating and courtship. I found myself disgusted with the protagonist in the first book for being so infatuated and irrational about her man. But on reflection, I felt the same away for John. I was so bound to him in my heart that it was insane. It's a good thing we married or a might have gone crazy. I don't think I could refuse him anything, even a departure. I always knew that he was strong enough to leave me if he felt it was for the best, but I don't think I ever could have left him. He was mine. He will always be mine. And I will always be his. So I guess I can't be overly annoyed at people for falling head over heals in love and becoming irrational. I can only recommend that a girl be very careful who she gives her heart to. I must teach my daughters not to play with fire. Once a heart is given in that way, it is impossible to just take back. One must be very careful about who one trusts. Noone can hurt me like John can and vice versa. It is a heavy responsibility to be the caretaker of another person's heart. I think that's why I liked how Pirates of the Carribean ended. I know the power and responsibility that comes with my husband's heart, and I hope never to betray that, even on accident. So love is indeed a powerful, irrational thing. It's insane. I don't think about it often because we're long past the meeting and falling in love stage, but there it is. Now we have a love that has withstood the test of trial and time. We are through disillusionment (I really thought he was perfect before we married) and into a more mature, honest love. Now we know the other person's faults and weaknesses, and we still choose love and commitment every day.

I really have gained a beautiful life. I do not deserve it. I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility to spend my life in service to God through my fellow human beings. I owe so much to him and to them. I hope I succeed. If I do not, then I think I deserve any pain and punishment that would come with the remorse of a job done poorly. I am truly spoiled.